Dead Wounds Opened

I find it difficult
To wring the truth
From my dry and blistered tongue.

You tell me the answers.
You tell me you are right there
In front of me,
But I can not see.

My eyes swell,
Bruised by the light.
The dust in the air
Forms pulsing constellations
Where the sunlight filters through it.

The discord on the floor,
Illuminated in patches,
Reminds me
I was trying to crawl to a corner,
To shake in peace.

I seek comfort
In my personal hell,
And the concrete
Seems to understand.
I feel we share something,
The concrete floor and I.
We are both so cold,
So unforgiving.

The humor reaches me
There,
Not far from my own stench,
Not far from
The place where I removed my guts
And spread them out
For everyone to see.

Funny
I can not even remember
What it is I am not forgiving,
Only that it is not forgiven.

When you come by
You tell me
That once I had all the answers
And now there is only filth,
Putridity.
I remember
Why I don’t want to remember
Anything.

You,
Oh,
The avenging angel
Sent to purge the fallen from the ranks,
You
The voice of God’s purity,
The messenger from
The dream
Of decency
That spiraled out of ancient masculine hegemony,
A wet dream
Of masculine control,
A dream of
A religion fit to rule,
Fit to put the women on their knees
Where they can properly worship
With hands clasped.

I am done with
Your dream.
I can only guess
The look of horror on your face,
The revulsion in your words,
The contempt
Must spring from hatred,
And so I am happy
Because I
A mere mortal
Have earned the hatred of God’s pristine messenger,
I have taken the step
That leads to total condemnation.
On my knees
Slave to sensory pleasure
I want only more.

A single wish by the damned
Would be wasted.
I would wish only for a stronger body
So that I could torture it longer,
Fool my mind into thinking
That I have what I always wanted,
Only to laugh when
The warm glow vanishes.
It leaves me here.

So I know
Why you have come,
Arbiter from society’s cruel clutches,
You have come to mock me.
What I have left
Feels only pain at the sight of you,
So perfect,
Once so beloved.

When I look into your eyes
I see only myself
Trapped in a puddle of excretions.

If only the shakes would stop
I could speak
I could try to change
The evil things I think,
But it is too late.
You are leaving.

Outside the wind blows,
But the windows are closed
And here there is only
The smell of my skin
Scaling onto the ground.

If only I could turn back.

I realize the only way to move,
The only way to stop the shakes
Is to do it one more time.

As I reach for the syringe,
For what precious little I have left,
I think only of spitting
In my executioners face
When I see him again.

Beyond comprehension
The needle finds the vein,
And I plunge the fluid home.
It’s all gone now,
Everything.

The image of the room
Crashes to the floor
And shatters.
The memory
Of what I could have had
Lingers in the air before me a moment
Before it falls to the floor
And shatters as well.

I crawl through the slivers of my life
Heaving,
Blood on my festering lips.
In the farthest corner
The creature I became
Comes to rest
And moves no more.

I know not what happens next
For I have gone.
I have been painted into a picture
For a grim and gory fairy tale
To nurture the offspring
That will choke the world
In the time when the rivers run black.





[drugs are bad, mmkay?]

Wax on the Altar: Two - Corpus Deperditus

All that I came in with
The only thing provided by God,
One sweet, naked ass and a smile,
And a walk some folks have called odd.

Nothing underwhelms like want of nothing.
Even the body gets tossed.
How wrong then to trade it all,
For sand at the water’s edge?
Waiting for the tide,
How much is really lost?
Is death a broken pledge?
When you're down there isn't far to fall,
It's a brief but painful ride,
But pain means nothing to a darkling ghost,
It's the leaving that hurts the most.

I want,
And I am just a slave to things.

Please
Don’t let me escape.

If only I could touch,
“Touch a flickering flame”,
So give the man a razor blade.

The want,
Of freedom
Of cowardly flight
Drives me to eye the door
But I choke it back,
I close my eyes
What I don't want
I want even more.

If only I
This twilight wraith,
Could release my wretched spore.
Then, surely then,
All would be well,
All would be good,
And everything forgotten.

This cage
Will never speak.
About the emptiness
And all that means nothing,
All I can act is meek.

I just want it.

If only a woman,
A cold cruel bitch,
Or a spiteful, envious friend
Would come to take it from my bound hands.
You know this is where I stand,
On display,
Wrists and ankles all bruised,
My body looks awfully well used.

If only
I could hurt myself
As deeply as I feel I need,
If only
I could set myself ablaze,
And burn without a sound,
But I am just a pawn in a bigger game,
A piece somebody found.

My challenge turns the stomach
Of even those
Who think that they are strong,
But still I must ask.
"Hurt me, please,
I need to hurt,
Real bad,
Deep down,
Inside."

I will never love you
If you will not do
This frightful thing for me,
That's the awful, awful truth.
When there is nothing left but ashes
And memories of the pain,
I'll be part of the endless swirls of dust,
I'll be thankful for the rain.

Scattered on the wind I have
What I always wanted,
Nothing.

If only I could have hurt
Longer
Before death,
I would have liked it even more.

Don’t let me out,
Don’t kill me.
Hurt me as much as you can.

I don’t want to be able to escape.
It burns, but I whisper,
"I'm too much a man."

Take everything.
Leave nothing behind.
Is this too much to ask?
Do you not think you can do this for me?

Where are you going?
Does the truth hurt?
Don't you like the taste of tainted blood?

If you ask in demanding tones
or even in a nice one
[I'm easy]
I will cut myself for you
and write you letters in blood
about how much I worship you.

don’t go away
you are all that I have
when you leave
that really hurts

just stay
and I promise I won’t beg you
to cut me
or burn me
or pierce me
or even touch me
in any way

all I really want
is someone
who understands
who sees the cage
who sees what I have
and why I want none of it

stay
we’ll talk about pain later
when you feel you’re ready.



[Notes: Well obviously this is crazy talk. LoL. I knew a girl who cut herself. I knew a girl who cut other people. We spent about a month together in the same apartment the first spring after I left home. Either you get the poem or you don't. If anyone sill thinks what I write is all about me, then this will definitely constitute evidence I'm into self immolation. But no, not so much. This made it into the compilation just because it's sick. It's nothing like some of the really sick ones, but it's still sick.]