Wax on the Altar: Two - Corpus Deperditus

All that I came in with
The only thing provided by God,
One sweet, naked ass and a smile,
And a walk some folks have called odd.

Nothing underwhelms like want of nothing.
Even the body gets tossed.
How wrong then to trade it all,
For sand at the water’s edge?
Waiting for the tide,
How much is really lost?
Is death a broken pledge?
When you're down there isn't far to fall,
It's a brief but painful ride,
But pain means nothing to a darkling ghost,
It's the leaving that hurts the most.

I want,
And I am just a slave to things.

Please
Don’t let me escape.

If only I could touch,
“Touch a flickering flame”,
So give the man a razor blade.

The want,
Of freedom
Of cowardly flight
Drives me to eye the door
But I choke it back,
I close my eyes
What I don't want
I want even more.

If only I
This twilight wraith,
Could release my wretched spore.
Then, surely then,
All would be well,
All would be good,
And everything forgotten.

This cage
Will never speak.
About the emptiness
And all that means nothing,
All I can act is meek.

I just want it.

If only a woman,
A cold cruel bitch,
Or a spiteful, envious friend
Would come to take it from my bound hands.
You know this is where I stand,
On display,
Wrists and ankles all bruised,
My body looks awfully well used.

If only
I could hurt myself
As deeply as I feel I need,
If only
I could set myself ablaze,
And burn without a sound,
But I am just a pawn in a bigger game,
A piece somebody found.

My challenge turns the stomach
Of even those
Who think that they are strong,
But still I must ask.
"Hurt me, please,
I need to hurt,
Real bad,
Deep down,
Inside."

I will never love you
If you will not do
This frightful thing for me,
That's the awful, awful truth.
When there is nothing left but ashes
And memories of the pain,
I'll be part of the endless swirls of dust,
I'll be thankful for the rain.

Scattered on the wind I have
What I always wanted,
Nothing.

If only I could have hurt
Longer
Before death,
I would have liked it even more.

Don’t let me out,
Don’t kill me.
Hurt me as much as you can.

I don’t want to be able to escape.
It burns, but I whisper,
"I'm too much a man."

Take everything.
Leave nothing behind.
Is this too much to ask?
Do you not think you can do this for me?

Where are you going?
Does the truth hurt?
Don't you like the taste of tainted blood?

If you ask in demanding tones
or even in a nice one
[I'm easy]
I will cut myself for you
and write you letters in blood
about how much I worship you.

don’t go away
you are all that I have
when you leave
that really hurts

just stay
and I promise I won’t beg you
to cut me
or burn me
or pierce me
or even touch me
in any way

all I really want
is someone
who understands
who sees the cage
who sees what I have
and why I want none of it

stay
we’ll talk about pain later
when you feel you’re ready.



[Notes: Well obviously this is crazy talk. LoL. I knew a girl who cut herself. I knew a girl who cut other people. We spent about a month together in the same apartment the first spring after I left home. Either you get the poem or you don't. If anyone sill thinks what I write is all about me, then this will definitely constitute evidence I'm into self immolation. But no, not so much. This made it into the compilation just because it's sick. It's nothing like some of the really sick ones, but it's still sick.]